HOW THE GRUMPS STOLE CHRISTMAS

When Grumps was about Jack’s age, his teacher decided that each member of the class would have an opportunity to perform in the school’s annual Christmas Program.

They would put on skits, sing songs, read poems, tell stories, all to entertain their parents and grandparents who would be in the audience.

Grumps decided that he would sing The Twelve Days of Christmas and with his daddy’s help he would use little puppets to bring each verse to life as he sang.  So they had a partridge puppet, maids a milking puppets, Golden Rings puppets, Swans a Swimming puppets, and drummers drumming puppets—all twelve of the characters from the song to make it come to life.

And to top it all off, the teacher, Miss Ivy, offered a prize to the most original, one- of- a-kind presentation.

“Dad, thanks for the help with the puppets, I think I’ve got the big prize this year,” Grumps said.

“Well, I hope that Brian Benedict won’t pull off some stunt like that Shirky Toot, tooting contest,” his father said, “That boy is trouble and he loves attention and this time he’ll have a stage and all the parents of all the children in your class to show off for.”

“Oh, don’t worry about Brian, he learned his lesson with that Shurkey Toot contest. His father made him stay in his room for almost a week!”

“Good,” Grump’s father said.

The night of the big show Grumps was scheduled next to last on the program. And he was a sensational hit with the crowd. He might not have been the best singer in the class but those puppets had the parents clapping from the partridge in the pear tree right down to the drummer’s drumming.

When Grumps was finished, and flopped down in a seat there in the audience next to his parents, he was getting backslaps and words of praise not only from his family, but other parents.

One lady, Mrs. Allgire even said, “Grumps, you will be the winner. Those puppets were really cute.”

As Grumps sat there enjoying all the praise, Miss Ivy took the stage and said, “Now, our final contestant, Brian Benedict. And it says here on this card that he will recite an original poem.  Brian, we look forward to your presentation!”

The audience clapped politely as Brian Benedict took the stage in the strangest costume Grumps had ever seen.  It was brown, from head to toe including brown stockings over his skinny little legs. He wore a funny little bent stovepipe hat.  And his face was full of his sister’s makeup and he looked to Grumps like some sort of an ugly brown cat!”

Well, Grumps thought, this isn’t going to be a winner.  There’s no way Brian would be better than the Twelve Days of Christmas complete with a puppet show!

Then as the audience quit laughing Brian began to talk.    

Every Poo down in Pooville liked Christmas a lot
But the Grumps who lived just North of Pooville did not!

The Grumps hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

“WAIT A MINUE THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE THE GRINCH---NOT THE GRUMPS,”  Grumps said to his mother and father.

Brian continued:

It could be, perhaps, that his hiney was too tight.
It could be his skinny butt wasn't screwed on just right.

But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his butt was two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason, his butt or his Caboose!,
He stood there on Christmas Eve hating the Poos,

Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grumpy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town,

For he knew every Poo down in Pooville beneath
Was busy now hanging a brown holly poo wreath.

"And they're hanging their brown stockings," he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"

Then he growled, with his Grumps fingers nervously drumming,
"I must find some way to keep Christmas from coming!

“He’s making Fun of Me, Daddy, changing the Grinch to Grumps!”

Grumps’ dad whispered, “Well, I guess we knew what kind of a boy he was after he pulled that Shurkey Toot, Tooting Contest, but his is awful, making fun of you in front of the whole audience of parents and students!”

Yes,” Grumps said, “And they’re laughing, laughing at me!”

Brian was getting a dirty look from Miss Ivy, the teacher, but it didn’t slow him down, he just continued to recite his poem.

And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the tooting noise! Tooting Noise! Tooting Noise! Tooting Noise!
There's one thing I hate! All the TOOTING NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then as if they hadn’t done enough TOOTING the Poos, young and old, will sit down to a feast.
And they'll feast! And they'll feast! And they'll FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!

They'll feast on Poo pudding, and rare Poo roast beast,
Raw roast beast is a feast I can't stand in the least!

And then they'll do something I hate most of all!
Every Poo down in Pooville, the tall and the small,

They'll stand close together, and toot to the sound of their Christmas bells ringing.
They'll stand hand-in-hand, and those Poos will start farting and singing!"

"And they'll sing! And they'll sing! And they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!"
And the more the Grumps thought of this Poo Christmas Sing,
The more the Grumps thought, "I must stop this whole tooting and singing thing!

NOW GRUMPS WAS REALLY UPSET.  “Daddy, I’m going up there and drag him off the stage, he’s making everyone laugh at me!”

“Let him go,” his father said, “This boy will spend Christmas in double secret probation and won’t leave his room until next year!”

Now, Brian was prancing around the stage in his Grumps costume, enjoying the laughs from the audience.

BUT THAT’S WHERE THE PRESENTATION ENDED.

Why?  Because suddenly the parents and students had had enough.

Mike, Grumps’ best friend, stood up and began to Boo, and when he did the whole audience joined him!”

Brian stopped his awful poem for a second and shouted back at the audience, “Are you saying Poo?”

“No, we’re saying BOO! Get off the stage you little knucklehead!,” Grumps’ mother shouted.

And with that Miss Ivy, with Brian’s father right behind her, walked out, took Brian by the arm and led him off the stage.

As he was leaving he wrestled free and shouted to the crowd, “Hey, here’s my favorite line, one that my friend Grumps can take home with him tonight”

You're a foul one, Mr. Grumps. You're a nasty-wasty skunk.
Your heart is full of unwashed socks. Your soul is full of brown poopie gunk.
Mr. Grumps! The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote, "Stink, stank, stunk"!

And with Brian’s father leading him home by the arm, Miss Ivy returned to the stage and said,

“Well, that was awful and we apologize for that . But we have the final votes and I can tell you now that someone in my class DOES NOT stink, stank, stunk!   And that’s Grumps Cairns, as he is our first place winner for that wonderful Twelve Days of Christmas and puppet show!”

When Grumps went to the stage to receive his award the audience stood and cheered.  Grumps took a small bow and said, “Well, thank you. I enjoy a joke as well as anyone but I think Brian may have been describing himself in that poem.  And my guess is that when Santa comes to his house this year that Brian will find lumps of black coal in his stocking!

And that’s when one of Grumps’ friends shouted from the audience. “I hope it’s black squishy coal---maybe a Christmas gift from all those Poos down in Pooville!”